My brother Shuni says I don’t take responsibility for things. This is a way of looking at it. Maybe what I do is to take the blame but don’t seem to act on it. So that what happens gives the appearance of counter blame when in fact I seek out a solution that prejudices honesty. However, honesty is a complex reduction of truth into facts rendered from a given perspective. Maybe I share facts whilst not giving importance to my role in the creating the story that enables those facts to be shared.

The best way to explain this would be to examine how it is that I behave around women that I like. I have never been able to just ask out anyone that I like. There are a set of given behaviours around coupling that require foreknowledge of the process and an inward acknowledgement of the reasons for attempting engagement in the activity. I comprehend the first and honour the second. However, when I get into a situation where both come into play I come unstuck.

I remember being at a party when I was seventeen. I was sat on a sofa and a girl I found attractive both in appearance and manner offered me a hand to ask me to dance. I was so embarrassed by the offer that I sank further into the sofa and allowed my friend to take her hand and dance. I just couldn’t simultaneously own up to the fact that it was an outcome that I wanted in a space where such an activity was fully endorsed. Every single relationship I’ve ever had has been born of an accidental meeting of circumstances that were both lucky and appropriate. I’ve sort of caused stuff to happen but not asked for it openly. The rout (I’ve forgotten the e and that makes a telling amount of difference when you examine the derivations of both spellings) to fatherhood began with the question “Do you know what’s on at the cinema tonight?” She did and thus began my biggest adventure. Responsibility has ever been superseded by event. I take the blame and seek a way to ameliorate the fact that the wished for outcome lacks a sense of personal responsibility. This ends in me behaving in such a way as to negate the benefits of my involvement in the relationship. Same with work, same with family and friends.

Current circumstance mean I can no longer sink further into any sofas. Let’s see if I can use that to positive effect.