Editions, February 2026

FTHM Edition 134 – February 2026

Hello again. I hope you are well and full of life. Maybe your life will change beyond all recognition this year? I am celebrating 28 years without alcohol this month.

This publication is open to anyone as long as they express themselves in a non-sexist, non-racist and non-homophobic way. You can contact us at: dean@fthm.org.uk. Best wishes, Dean Charlton.

Please note that our website address is: www.fromthehorsesmouth.org.uk

  • My Not Very Serious Stars – February 2026

    Scorpio 24 Oct – 22 Nov
    Love is a currency you possess little of, so, do socialise more and see if there is someone out there who can give you what you crave. You are such a gossip and will go to the town’s end to broadcast your tittle-tattle. Use your time better? A cup of magic tea may cause you to see a flying saucer hovering over your garden. You are nothing special, so, just accept it and live.

    Sagittarius 23 Nov – 21 Dec
    A very materialistic friend will have an epiphany this month and realise that love and relationships are more important than things. Someone with red spectacles will really make a show of themselves but don’t revel in their embarrassment. A lady called Elenor will reveal to you how lonely she is and it’s clear that she could really do with a bit of help. Be friendly.

    Capricorn 22 Dec – 20 Jan
    Stop sucking grass if you want to avoid having worms wriggling in your bottom. Maybe its time you had the balls to stop having children all of the time. Your nose may be big enough for a helicopter to land on, but you will be okay in life as you have loads of money. You may wake up with someone called George if you continue to be more careless about what you do.

    Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb
    It may be a good time to train to be a beautician as you know all about vanity, don’t you? You will experience lust at first sight, but do remember the lovely partner you’ve got at home. Someone may, in fact, call you frigid – but that is surely better than being a social refrigerator. You do spend a lot of time in cafes, but is that not better than being a drunken fool again?

    Pisces 20 Feb – 20 Mar
    Recently, you have been unpleasant to your family, so, why not change your mind and start to treat them with the respect they deserve? If something bad has happened to you, then remember that bad things sometimes lead to new, better things. Do stop wishing you were more like other people and accept that you can only really be yourself. Buy a new car?

    Aries 21 Mar – 21 Apr
    Someone may amaze you with their creativity but be aware that they may be useless at other things in life. A terrible financial blow will leave you devastated, but you will recover. A man in a yellow coat will puzzle you with his odd behaviour -but he’s only getting through life in his own way. Be careful what you say, as home-truths are often unwelcome and dangerous.

    Taurus 21 Apr – 21 May
    You may feel very good at the moment, but if you carelessly make hay while the sun shines you may reap many demands for maintenance in the future. A person whom you once thought was a fat pig, may catch your eye and lust will blind you from the truth about them. It is definitely time you accepted that you are not an island, and act accordingly. Work harder.

    Gemini 22 May – 21 Jun
    Life may have dealt you a poor hand, but if you put your cards on the table, a close friend will help you – if you let them. A younger person will show interest in you this week, but be realistic, and accept that it’s not your looks or personality they’re attracted to! It would be good to go on a mystery tour as this will bring a bit of magic into your life, and maybe love.

    Cancer 22 Jun – 23 Jul
    Today, you will have to talk yourself out of a difficult situation – that you have caused yourself. A large, unexpected amount of money may be coming your way. You may start to think that all religion is man-made and you can do what you want – if you are ready for the consequences. Put a broad smile on someone’s face whom you have recently been neglecting.

    Leo 24 Jul – 23 Aug
    You will have a close shave, and a brush with the law, but you will have to face the music whether you’re fine with it or not. Someone who is as minging as you are will ask you out next week, and you may go on to have some extremely minging children – but does it really matter as we are all just mongrels? There may be a need to delve into your savings soon.

    Virgo 24 Aug – 23 Sep
    A selfish man may gift you something precious, but has he got ulterior motives? Winter can be a drag, but just dress up warmly and carry on. A gay man may impress you with his positivity, so, follow his example. The boil on your arse needs lancing, so, stop chickening out of a visit to your doctors. A telephone call may change everything in your life.

    Libra 24 Sep – 23 Oct
    Maybe now is the time to go on holiday somewhere warm if you can afford it. Someone who talks a lot, but says very little, will get on your nerves today, but bite your tongue. Also resist pointing out all the holes in a holy man’s beliefs and realise we all need something to believe in. Start to be who you want to be as this life is too short to spend playing a false role.

  • June’s World – February 2026

    Hello everybody. First of all, I hope you’re all keeping well. At the moment, I’m full of cold, but then again, so are lots of other people. I call it a winter cold, so, I try and keep myself warm by wearing layers of clothes – which seems to work for me. I do however, think that as you get older, you feel the cold more.

    Did you have a good Christmas – and get lots of presents? Our great grandson is 18 months old now and seemed to enjoy opening his presents; he’s very bright for his age, has started to take an interest in his environment, and begun saying simple words. My husband took him to see my son’s chickens and he wanted to pick one up and stroke it! Then he kept pointing to the trees and saying ‘apples’, and he’s definitely picking up other words like chocolate, mummy, daddy etc. He’s also been going to nursery, where he has a lot of friends, for about a year so he’s progressing linguistically.

    The weather today is bitterly cold here and snow is expected in the days to come. We are going to go and see Dean and Brenda tomorrow, which is Saturday, so, I’ll make sure I am well wrapped up. Like I said in other articles, I love going to Halifax and meeting up with them in Marks & Spencer’s for a lovely cup of hot chocolate, and then onto to Pearson’s fish and chip restaurant. As I am writing this article, I’m looking through the window and the sun is shining, and although it’s cold, it’s lovely weather for this time of year. It takes me back to when I was younger although I don’t think it’s cold enough to make an igloo or snowballs like I used to.

    I love a train journey so, I’m looking forward to being on a train tomorrow. When I go to a town, I love to look for bargains in the shops as some things have been reduced at this time of the year. I tend to buy perfumes, soap, gloves and socks which I put aside to add to larger presents in the future.

    I admit that like to reminisce about when I was a child and was waiting for the snow to come so, we could build an igloo, put a mat inside, and enjoy jam and bread as well as water – this might not sound much today but we enjoyed it anyway, as things were scarce. I loved Christmas Eve when I earnt money carol singing with my uncle Alfie. Most people were very kind to us but some people were rude and not at all generous. We split the money we got in half and I was able to give some of my money to my mother, although I held some back for myself.

    Well back to the present: Yesterday, we went to North Allerton and had a look around the shops. We then had a lovely meal in Barker’s restaurant before resuming looking around the shops. We had a great time and returned home feeling good!

    Well, that’s all for now. Will write more next month. Love June. X.

  • Brenda’s Wildlife Corner – February 2026

    Capybara

    The capybara is the largest known rodent in the world and is found everywhere in South America with the exception of Chile. It is related to animals like guinea pigs, and more distantly, chinchillas. It tends to live near water – rivers, ponds, lakes, swamps, marshes etc. This rodent is semi-aquatic and breeds in water though its young are born on land. It can even sleep in water through its nose.

    A capybara is extremely sociable and may live in groups of 50 to 100, although groups of 10 – 20 are more likely. It is not an endangered species (due to its rapid rate of reproduction) however, it is hunted for its meat, pelts and because some see it as a threat to other wildlife stock.

    It has a heavy, barrel-shaped body and can grow up to 4.40 feet in length, can stand 24 inches from its withers, and often weighs up to 146 lbs. The females are usually heavier than the males. Interestingly, their hind legs are a bit longer than their forelegs and they have slightly webbed feet; they have 3 toes on their rear feet and 4 toes on their front feet. Also, their muzzles are blunt and their ears, eyes and nostrils are near the top of its head.

    The diet of a capybara is somewhat limited with it mainly living on aquatic plants, grasses, tree bark and fruit. They are very particular about which leaves they feed on, although they do eat a variety of plants during the dry season like reeds. Perhaps a less attractive feature of this rodent is that it eats its own faeces in an effort to digest cellulose in grass and to extract more protein and vitamins from food. It also regurgitates food in order to masticate it again. Because of its dietary activities, its front teeth grow all the time as does its cheek teeth.

    A capybara can live in the wild until it is 8 or 10 but this is unlikely because of predators such as: cougars, jaguars, green anacondas, piranhas, caimans and harpy eagles. Consequently, they are lucky to live 4 years. In captivity they have been known to live 12 years.

    The gestation period of a capybara is 130 – 150 days, and within a week of being born, the young can eat but continue to suckle from any female in the group until they are 16 weeks of age. The young form a group within the main group.

    This rodent has various means of communication like barks, purrs, chirps and during oestrus, a female may whistle through her nose to attract males. It also scent-marks to communicate with other capybaras.

    To conclude, the capybara is yet another of our world’s wonderful creatures that deserve our utmost respect.

  • Townsend’s Quiz Time – February 2026

    Questions
    (1) In which Level 42 song is Mark King “sat in the backseat with Joseph and Emily”?
    (2) Who wrote the “Confessions of a Shopaholic” series of books?
    (3) Which word, starting with N can come before bean or blue, it can also refer to one of the armed forces?
    (4) Following the death of Brigitte Bardot, how many of the people mentioned in the song “We Didn’t Start the Fire” were still alive?
    (5) What is the capital of Nigeria?
    (6) Which baseball star was killed in an air crash on 31st December 1972?
    (7) Who played the lead male role in the 1993 film “The Fugitive”?
    (8) What does LED stand for?
    (9) What is the collective name for a group of nuns?
    (10) Who is considered to be the father of western medicine?
    (11) What is the total number of dots on a dice?
    (12) Which planet has moons called Phobos and Deimos?
    (13) Which well-known tech company was founded by Bill Gates?
    (14) Which continent has the most countries?
    (15) What type of lens is used in a magnifying glass?
    (16) Which gas is often used to power a gas barbeque grill?
    (17) What is a deep crack in a glacier called?
    (18) Which American architect designed the Walt Disney Concert Hall in Los Angeles and The Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao?
    (19) Which actress won an Oscar for her role in Woody Allen’s Annie Hall?
    (20) Which bassist was a founder member of the group the Stone Roses, before joining Primal Scream?

    Answers
    (1) Running in the Family (2) Sophie Kinsella (3) Navy (4) Three – Checker/Dylan/Goetz (5) Abuja (6) Roberto Clemente (7) Harrison Ford (8) Light-emitting diode (9) A murmur (10) Hippocrates (11) 21 (12) Mars (13) Microsoft (14) Africa (15) Convex (16) Propane (17) A glacier (18) Frank Gehry (19) Diane Keaton (20) Gary Mounfield aka Mani

  • Bible Quote of the Month – March 2026

    Peter Smith

    FISH and HONEYCOMB

    After two travellers had spoken to Jesus on the road, they returned to Jerusalem and told his disciples, “The Lord is risen indeed”.

    Then, ‘Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and said to them, “Peace to you”.

    But they were terrified and frightened, and supposed they had seen a ghost.

    And he said to them, “Why are you troubled? And why do doubts arise in your hearts?

    Look at my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Handle me and see, for a ghost does not have flesh and bones as you see I have”.

    When he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet.

    But while they still did not believe for joy, and marvelled, he said to them, “Have you any food here?”

    So, they gave him a piece of a broiled fish and some honeycomb.

    And he took it and ate in their presence.’

    (see Luke 24:36-43, in the New King James Version of the Bible)

  • Something To Do

    S Bee

    Angie glanced at the clock on the wall. “I’m so sorry Tess, but I’ll have to go soon.”

    I nodded. I understood that time was not on Angie’s side. The cafe was short-staffed – hence the delay with our lunch – and my friend needed to return to work. We used to be call centre colleagues.

    We’d worked for an energy company and we’d dealt with difficult customers. Angie still did. It was a stressful occupation, so I didn’t exactly envy Angie.

    When our lunch finally arrived to our table (with a side order of an apology) Angie gulped back her tea and wrapped her sandwich in a large napkin, to take away.

    She then shrugged on her jacket. “I’m really sorry about this but we’ll meet as usual, next Friday lunchtime.”

    I smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I know how it is. Take care. Bye!”

    Angie waved as she headed for the door. My mind flew back… me, Angie and Lisa had started work at the same time at Energo. Being the same age (mid-forties) and married, the three of us had hit it off and every Friday, as a little end of week treat, we went to a cosy cafe for a nice lunch. We’d all worked well together for just over a decade, until things changed. Eight months ago, Lisa had made an announcement.

    “My husband and I moving to the Yorkshire dales to run a B&B. Call it a mid-life crisis but we want to do something different. We’ve put the house on the market. I’ll work my notice here, and when the house sells, we’ll be off!”

    Crikey. A brand-new life and gorgeous scenery to boot… how lovely!

    “We’ll miss you so much!” I cried.

    She wiped away tears. “I’ll miss you two, too!”

    Angie and I were sorry to see her go. However, once she’d settled in, Lisa invited me and my hubby Tom to stay – plus, Angie (and her hubby) of course. The invite arrived out of season, so they had plenty of spare rooms. I promised faithfully that we would, but we were rushed off our feet at work… yet Angie and I managed to keep in touch with Lisa. A few cheery ‘How are you?’ lines dashed off in an email was better than nothing. Strangely, the company didn’t hire anyone to take over Lisa’s role. We soon discovered why… they were bringing in a series of voluntary redundancies.

    Tom had recently retired, so I decided to take up the company’s offer. It’d be good to escape the stress and Tom and I could take the opportunity to travel. I’d love to visit my sister, her husband and her family in Australia. They had emigrated there. I hadn’t seen her for years and my niece and nephew were growing up fast. She was always begging us to come and stay. There was only one snag. Tom didn’t like flying.

    At work, when I announced that I was leaving, Angie had looked sad.

    “We can still meet for lunch on Fridays,” she’d put in.

    I’d smiled. ‘Thanks. I’d like that.”

    We did, and she’d continued to fill me in on office gossip. Yet sometimes I felt my attention wandering. Well, it wasn’t my world any more, was it? I didn’t mean to sound uncaring but why would I be bothered about Anna’s disastrous dates, Paul’s driving lessons or Barry’s ongoing indigestion?

    That first Monday morning lie-in was bliss – yet I realised that I needed something to do. It was a nice, sunny day so I packed a flask and joined Tom on his allotment. The allotment had kept him occupied and he’d become friendly with all the folk there.

    “Hello love.” He was pleased to see me, yet I sensed a subtle distance.

    Later, I learnt that he preferred to keep his hobby separate. He didn’t really want me involved. That was fine – I had to respect that.

    “We could visit my sister and her family in Australia, now I’m not working,” I suggested that evening over dinner.

    He pulled a face. “You know how I feel about long-haul flights, Tess. I hate flying in general, anyway.”

    “I know but look, what if we broke the journey and stayed for a week at the half way point?” I suggested.

    “Hmm. Let me have a think about it.”

    “Then there’s Lisa in the Yorkshire dales -”

    “Calm down, love. I realise that you’re free as a bird now but there’s no need to suddenly dash here, there and everywhere,” he chuckled.

    It was a fair point. Later, I mulled things over. Perhaps I’d been hasty in accepting voluntary redundancy? I didn’t miss the problem-solving element attached to my job but I missed the daily work routine and yes, I admit that I missed company.

    Well, if travel wasn’t on the agenda maybe I should look for another job, I thought.

    A part-time one would be good – it wouldn’t absorb all my energy, and I’d be able to pursue a hobby. I still had my Friday lunches with Angie to look forward to!

    Yet when I arrived at the cafe on Friday, Angie wasn’t there. It was our usual time… my mind whirled. I hadn’t had a text, saying, she’d be late. I sighed. I knew how it was – we’d get caught up with a client over the phone and couldn’t get away… the cafe was crowded, yet I managed to find a spare seat. Then a text came in – but it wasn’t from Angie. It was Tom.

    “Okay. Let’s go to Oz,” he said.

    My heart leapt. Great! I reckoned that a long weekend in the Yorkshire dales beckoned, too!

    Back to the cafe…as it was busy, my table hadn’t been cleared. So, I gathered the empty mugs and took them to the counter.

    The woman smiled. “Oh, many thanks!”

    I then made a sudden, impulsive, decision.

    “Look, I know this out of the blue, but what if I did a voluntary shift for you, right here, right now?”

    The idea had come from nowhere – yet it could fit the bill.

    Her face lit up. “Would you? I recognise you – you’re a regular customer. You come in every Friday.”

    I nodded. “That’s right.”

    “Well, yes please to helping out. If you do well today, I could be offering you a part-time job, er -”

    I beamed. “Tess.”

    “I’m Kate. Pleased to meet you. I’ll need to check your references but in-the-meantime, here’s a spare apron. Table three’s order should be ready in the kitchen.”

    I nodded but before I could tie my apron, another text bleeped. This time it was Angie, saying sorry, she’d had to work, so would miss our lunch. I vowed to buy her a sandwich and pop round to Energo when I could. Then I switched my phone off, stored it safely in my bag and got cracking.

    Three hours later, I was thrilled when Kate offered me the job! That really made my day!

  • The Anonymous Autist’s Guide to the Galaxy

    Have you ever wondered why you have those experiences when you are in the middle of a supermarket wondering where they moved the sparkling water after the fourth layout change in two years when, suddenly, someone turns up the volume, temperature, and ambient lighting as you get a strange feeling in your head like your brain has just been dematerialised by the Star Trek transporter, leaving you having a partial out-of-body experience in a state of blank panic and confusion? 

    How about those endless musings on all those times where, despite living ten minutes away from work, and getting up at 6:30am in order to arrive at for work at 8:00am, time seems to contract and conspire against you to make you three minutes late, leaving you flustered and apologising to your clock-watching, finger-wagging manager who explains that this is the 30th consecutive late this year since the 1st of January, and it’s not yet February. 

    Or looking forward to socialising with your friends at the gig next week, only for gig day to arrive and suddenly your excitement disappears as you’re struck with an invisible force-field which suddenly prevents you from travelling anywhere, while simultaneously having a remote mind-control device attempts to convince you that staying at home is much more preferable than seeing your friends, and forces you to send a text to you friends saying you can’t make it tonight because you forgot it was your uncle’s pet budgie’s birthday and you cannot, under any circumstances, not go because he may literally die from disappointment if you don’t attend? 

    If so, this guide is for you. 

    The Nightmare of the Unexpected Social Encounter 

    You’re enjoying a pleasant stroll in the sun on your way to the park, decompressing after a stressful day, when just as you round the corner on the home straight, you bump into your chatty neighbour, who immediately initiates unscripted small talk. 

    You must access the “Social Small-Talk Protocol” file, but the system is frozen, and your neighbour is politely waiting his turn for you to fill the ever-increasing black-hole of silence. 

    While the main system tries to reboot, the Emergency Situation Backup System kicks in and calculates the appropriate level of eye contact, vocal tone, and conversational path simultaneously, resulting in a blank stare, and the involuntary blurting of “I’m good, how are you?” while your facial expression transforms into a combination of surprised looking eyebrows and an attempt at a friendly, but non-manic smile. 

    Your neighbour looks confused, and, just as your “Social Small-Talk Protocol” system comes back online you realise he had just told you his dog suddenly passed away and he was about to scatter his ashes at the park, hence the white plastic bag you now notice in his hand. 

    You feel the familiar rise of inner heat which would rival the sun’s surface temperatures on a “cold day” and notice that, simultaneously, all systems are about to shut-down and go offline, leaving you looking like a surprised, grinning idiot while tears well up in your neighbour’s eyes.

    The Art of Strategic Escape

    In such situations, time is of the essence. You need to act decisively before the systems freeze or crash. Here are three tried and tested solutions which have been around in one form or another since the Dawn of Humanity. 

    Solution 1: The Emergency Script Buffer

    Always have three pre-rehearsed, generic, and time-limiting responses ready to deploy: one for positive situations, one for negative situations, and one for neutral/ambiguous situations, for example: 

    Positive Situation – “That’s fascinating! I’m actually timing myself to see how fast I can get home to check on the rate at which my newly painted walls have dried.” 

    Negative Situation – “Sorry to hear that. It reminds me of the time when I made toast and didn’t realise, I had run out of butter.” 

    Neutral/Ambiguous Situation – “What do you think of the hot and cold weather today?” 

    Solution 2: Prop It Up

    If forced to remain, use a prop, such as holding a full cup of coffee, simulating a shaking hand, and nervously glance at it every 10 seconds. 

    It establishes a non-verbal countdown timer. Your neighbour will respect the imminent threat of a scalding spill more than your unspoken need for quiet. 

    Solution 3: The Nuclear Option

    Gasp dramatically, taking a large amount of air into your lungs to reset your vagus nerve, which should give you just enough time to tell your neighbour you feel traumatised by his news as it reminds you of your dog which died and now you need to go home to engage in ritual mourning for several days as you walk off awkwardly as fast as you can while failing to stifle a chorus of inappropriate laughter. 

    Join us next month for expert advice on how to avoid the Trap of Accidental Friendship.

  • Music in 2026

    Graham Townsend

    Who knows what, or for that matter who, the world of music will bring us in 2026. Maybe we will see the beginning of a new era such as we saw with Beatlemania back in the early 1960s or the punk explosion in 1976. We were blissfully unaware that those major music world events would be upon us before they happened so, who is to say what could be the new craze or who could be the new hero, or heroes in 2026.

    The likes of Taylor Swift, Sabrina Carpenter, Olivia Rodrigo and Chappell Roan were all sisters doing for themselves in 2025 and there is nothing to suggest that their success will not continue. More female solo artists are quite capable of reaching the upper echelons of the industry in the near future. Artists such as Raye and Olivia Dean spring to mind. They have already shown us what they are capable of and it would not surprise me if they go on to bigger and better things during the current year.

    It’s not just the girls either, the guys have been having plenty of solo success as well. Ed Sheeran is top of the tree, and has been for some time now, when it comes to the solo male artist category. Up and comers like The Weeknd, Benson Boone, Sam Fender and Alex Warren are amongst those who look most likely to give him a run for his money in 2026.

    Will we see a resurgence of bands in 2026? They seem to have taken a bit of a backseat in recent times. Maybe this is due to the popularity of EDM (Electronic dance music) which relies more on synths and programmed beats than it does on guitars. There are so many tracks out there which are credited to a DJ with a featured vocalist. I feel personally that there is a lack of musical creativity in the EDM arena but it is very popular so, who am I to judge what is good music and what isn’t?!

    I’ve been getting into heavier rock music over the last twelve months or so after coming across an internet show on a Friday evening that splits three hours of music between pop and rock. Perhaps we will see one of the bands from there like Those Damn Crows break through and have some mainstream success?

    I’d love to see a punk revival. Perhaps a band like Sprints can have a bigger impact than they are already having.

    Will there be another technological discovery in the music world? I still buy CDs but also stream many tracks these days and there has been a threat of a fresh vinyl revival in recent times although, the price of many albums available via this medium seems a tad high to say the least.

    Talking of expensive, the cost of gigs is ridiculous. It would be nice to see Ticketmaster taken to task over their dynamic pricing tactics in 2026 so, that more everyday working-class people can actually afford to go and see the artists they love.

    I’ll see you back here, this time next year to see what really happens!

RECIPES FROM WONDERFUL JUNE CHARLTON

  • Cherry Cake

    Ingredients

    8 oz of self-raising flour

    6 oz of cherries (cut into quarters)

    4 oz of sugar

    4 oz of margarine

    2 eggs, beaten with 4 tablespoons of milk and 12 drops of vanilla essence

    Method

    1. Mix the flour and cut the cherries.

    2. Beat sugar and margarine to a cream.

    3. Stir in beaten liquids and flour and mix thoroughly.

    4. Use a well-greased 6″ tin 3″ deep.

    5. Bake in a moderate oven 350 – 375 F/gas mark 3-4 for about an hour and a quarter.

  • Walnut Bread

    Ingredients

    1 lb of self-raising flour

    1 oz of lard

    4 oz of shelled walnuts

    1 egg

    1 teaspoon of salt

    3 oz of sugar

    3 oz of stoned raisins

    Half a pint of milk

    Method

    1. Mix the flour, salt and sugar in a basin. Rub in the lard.

    2. Chop the walnuts and raisins and mix with the flour.

    3. Beat the egg with half a pint of milk and mix into the dry ingredients, making a soft dough.

    4. Place in a well-greased round cake tin 7″ diameter and 3″ deep and smooth over the top with a knife.

    5. Bake in a moderate hot oven at 375 – 425 F/ gas mark 4-5 for 1 hour

  • Savoury Pudding

    Ingredients

    ¼ lb of fine oatmeal

    ¼ lb of stale bread

    ¼ lb of finely chopped suet

    1 large onion

    ½ teaspoon of salt

    1/8 teaspoon of pepper

    ¼ teaspoon of powdered sage

    1/8 teaspoon of mixed herbs

    2 eggs

    Method

    1. Soak the bread in hot water for ½ an hour, drain away unabsorbed liquid. Break out lumps with a fork.

    2. While the bread is soaking, boil the onions and salt for ½ an hour and chop them coarsely.

    3. Mix all the ingredients, adding the beaten eggs last.

    4. Melt some dripping in a pudding tin as it will form a very thin layer.

    5. Put the mixture in the tin and spread evenly.

    6. Bake for about 1 hour in a moderate oven.

    7 When done cut in to squares and serve with good strong gravy.

    Sufficient for 4 people.

  • Sage and Onion Stuffing

    Ingredients

    3 or 4 large onions

    Fresh sage leaves or dried sage

    4 oz of breadcrumbs

    1 oz of butter

    Salt and pepper

    1 egg

    Method

    1. Scald the onions in boiling water and chop them up as finely as possible.

    2. Chop the sage leaves finely and add them to the onions, breadcrumbs, butter, pepper and salt to taste.

    3. Mix well and add the eggs, well-beaten up to bind them all together.

  • Sponge Castles

    Ingredients
    3 oz of self-raising flour
    3 oz of sugar
    2 eggs
    Dessicated coconut

    Method
    1. Beat the eggs, add the sugar and whisk until the mixture is thick. Add the flour and stir lightly. Do not beat.
    2. Put the mixture into tall cone tins, well-greased, and bake in a moderate oven for 10 minutes.
    3. When cold brush over with jam, roll in coconut, and drop a cherry (or jam) on top.

  • Moggie (Parkin)

    Ingredients
    2 cups of plain flour
    1 cup of sugar
    1 teaspoon of ground ginger
    1 egg
    Pinch of salt
    2 oz of margarine
    2 tablespoons of treacle
    1 cup of milk
    1 teaspoon of carbonate of soda in an egg cup of boiling water

    Method
    1. Rub margarine into dry ingredients, it should be very runny when mixed.
    2. Put in a greased tin and bake till firm to the touch.

  • Shortbreads

    Ingredients
    4 oz of self-raising flour
    4 oz of butter
    2 oz of caster sugar
    2 oz of ground rice

    Method
    1. Mix the flour and ground rice, add the butter and rub together.
    2. Add the sugar and work the mixture into a dough.
    3. Shape and flatter into two rounds about one-inch in thickness.
    4. Prick all over the top with a fork and decorate edges with a spoon.
    5. Bake in a moderate over for 20 to 30 minutes until golden brown.
    6. When baked, sprinkle immediately with sugar and allow to cool.
    7. When cool, cut into shapes.

  • Almond Sponge Cake

    Ingredients
    4 oz of self-raising flour
    2 oz of butter
    2 oz of ground almonds
    2 eggs
    A little milk
    3 oz of caster sugar

    Method
    1. Beat the butter and sugar to a cream.
    2. Add the ground almonds and beat in the whipped eggs, the flour, and milk.
    3. Turn the mixture into a well-buttered tin, and bake in a moderate oven for 30-40 minutes.

  • Ginger Bread

    Ingredients
    12 oz of self-raising flour
    4 oz of margarine
    6 oz of sugar
    1 teaspoon of ground ginger
    1 teaspoon of mixed spice

    Method
    1. Cream the butter and sugar, stir in the treacle.
    2. Mix the dry ingredients, beat the egg and milk, and add both lots to the butter, sugar and treacle. Mix thoroughly.
    3. Put into a well-greased tin and bake in a moderate oven for 1 hour.

  • Dundee Cake

    Ingredients
    7 ½ oz of butter
    7 ½ oz of caster sugar
    5 eggs
    1 ½ lb mixed fruit (currants, raisins and sultanas)
    9 oz of plain flour
    1 teaspoon of baking powder
    1 ½ oz of ground almonds
    3 oz of glace cherries
    1 oz of blanche, whole almonds

    Method
    1. Grease and line an 8”, round cake tin.
    2. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
    3. Lightly beat eggs, add to the creamed mixture with a little flour.
    4. Sieve the rest of the flour with baking powder and mix in the ground almonds.
    5. Add fruit to egg mixture. Mix well.
    6. Spoon in to the prepared tin, make a hollow in the centre and place the almonds over the top.
    7. Bake at 350F for 1 ½ hours then reduce heat to 300F for a further 1 ½ hours, until firm in the centre.
    8. Turn out, cool. Wrap in greaseproof paper. Keep in the tin for a week before cutting.

  • Adventures of a Man Sitting Down – February 2026

    Krishna Francis

    #35 – Are You Having an Epiphany?

    Snow drifts through the shaft of light from the security lamp on the corner of the building.

    I’d woken early, a consequence of the various mechanical devices driving me towards health. The low groan of the pressure relieving mattress re-inflating occasionally was the backbeat. The chug-chug-chuggedy-chug of the vac pump was the harmony.

    Pressure sores. Avoid at all costs. Life in a wheelchair isn’t all basketball and BBC inclusivity drives. Often there’s a large amount of hospitalisation involved. Sometimes it involves big events.

    The time before the last time I saw my friend Kevin in hospital he had two feet. The last time I saw him that had changed. I mean, he’s in a wheelchair, it’s not like he needs both of them to get around. Still, it’s like Dickens description of Wackford Squeers the one-eyed headmaster in Nicholas Nickleby. ‘He had one eye when popular prejudice runs rather in favour of two.’ He is after all a baddy. What better way to designate his evil persona than remove an eye?

    Kevin raises money for his charity so it can be of benefit to people newly in a wheelchair. He shouldn’t be losing a leg! Or even just a foot. The difficulty of these bodily changes is that it does rather place one at the Bond villain end of the scale. I mean, there is Professor X in the X Men. To be honest there’s also Phil Squod in Nicholas Nickleby, he’s only got one arm and he’s a hero. If I remember correctly, he saves a life. He certainly saves the day at some point. Maybe it’s my inner prejudice coming out.

    Anyway, I was chug-chug-chuggedy-chugged out of my slumber at 5.54 this morning. As lying in bed listening to an intrusive noise is even less fun than wheeling about with that noise following you, I got up. I wheeled through the soft darkness of my flat. I like to get things started using the ambient light of the street lights bouncing off my walls. It’s gentler than straightforward electricity and there are literally four LED or LCDs on my route to the kitchen. That is a panoply of mood lighting. I feel like I’ve participated in a piece of immersive theatre before I’ve even had a glass of orange juice.

    So, I reached the lounge and submitted to the fierce fluorescence of the kitchen light. I put the kettle on and then reconsidered. I turned off the light again and went to watch the snow falling through my lounge window. There wasn’t much wind, so the snow drifted mostly downwards. The light on the side of the building was orange and the streetlight was white. They gave the snow intermittently different character as it floated to the ground. It was as though it was a trans elemental phenomenon. I identify as orange. I identify as white. Said snowflake after snowflake.

    The whistle on my kettle called me back to the task in hand. I went and made coffee.

  • Words Of Wisdom

    S Bee

    “Hello Kate! It’s good to see you again. How’s things?” Jill began.

    Kate smiled. “It’s good to see you, too. Things are fine.”

    Things weren’t fine, but Kate felt reluctant to confide in her. After all, Kate didn’t know Jill that well. After all, she’d only met Jill once before, at a big motivational talk event last year. This was an anniversary catch- up event, held in the same conference centre. Kate had received a reminder e-mail. Her mind flew back to the year before…

    The speaker was a charismatic, glamorous, highly successful IT business owner called Eleanor Craven. She’d eagerly hung onto Eleanor’s every word. The talk was so inspiring!

    When they broke for lunch, Kate found herself in the queue next to Jill in the conference centre’s cafe.

    “I hope you don’t mind me asking but what do you think of the talk?” she asked.

    “To be honest with you, I only came in to get out of the rain,” she confessed.

    “Did you? Hi. I’m Kate.”

    “I’m Jill. As for the talk – well, Eleanor certainly makes a good impression,” she went on.

    “If you don’t mind me saying, you sound kind of cynical,” Kate remarked.

    Jill pulled a face. “Well, these sorts of talks are basic pick-me-ups, aren’t they?”

    Kate was taken aback. “How can you say that? I found it totally life changing!”

    “How is Eleanor’s speech going to change your life?” Jill enquired.

    “I don’t know yet,” she spluttered. “But I’ll be buying Eleanor’s book later on. Why not stay and listen to the second half of the talk? It’s free.”

    “Is it still raining out?” Jill asked.

    Kate peered out of the window.

    “Yes. It’s pouring down,” Kate replied.

    So, Jill stayed.

    When the talk ended, Kate had tried to find Jill, but she’d melted away in the crowd…never mind. Kate was so fired up with passion and enthusiasm. She was determined to launch a brand-new enterprise! If she worked hard, she was sure to reap the rewards.

    Back on the main stage, once again, Eleanor Craven had told everyone they could make their dreams come true… then it was breaktime.

    “Do you fancy a coffee?” Jill asked Kate.

    Kate nodded and they headed towards the cafe. When Jill went to the counter, Kate reflected. Sadly, all of her grand plans had come to nothing. The online vintage jewellery idea hadn’t generated enough profit, the sandwich delivery business hadn’t got off the ground, and the new art concept had sunk without a trace. She eventually took her parent’s advice and found a proper job, but the admin post bored her to tears. When her boss wasn’t about, Kate had whiled away the hours by setting up an anonymous blog. Titled ‘The tedious life of an office girl’, it had attracted a lot of followers. The social media links placed on the blog had helped spread the word. Even though it was only a small project, Kate had created it herself. She felt proud of her secret success.

    As Jill returned, a thought occurred to her. If Jill hadn’t found Eleanor’s original talk helpful or interesting, why was she here today?

    “How’s your year been?” Kate began.

    “Not bad,” Jill answered. “I’ve been working on an idea.”

    “Tell me more.” Kate sipped her coffee.

    “Well, I’ve self- published a little e-book,” Jill replied.

    “That sounds intriguing. What’s your book about?”

    “The second half of Eleanor’s talk left quite an impact on me,” Jill admitted. “I went away and thought about what I’d like to achieve.”

    “Go on,” Kate urged.

    “I bought her book, too. It inspired me to create and innovate,” Jill went on. “Energise and focus.”

    Kate recognised Eleanor’s motivational speak jargon.

    “And?” Kate was agog.

    Jill reached for her bag, whipped a tablet out, switched it on and showed Kate the screen. “So, I wrote a motivational book of my own! It’s called ‘Words of Wisdom.’ It’s selling quite well. I’m planning a website, and I’d like to set up a blog.”

    “That’s brilliant news!” Kate beamed. “Well done.”

    Kate was amazed – yet Jill looked thoughtful.

    “I don’t suppose you know anyone who’s good on social media and blogging? I need someone to help me promote the book,” she explained. Her spirit soared. Talk about stumbling across an unexpected opportunity! Kate took a deep breath. She needed to sell herself here. She recalled the confidence techniques from Eleanor and launched in.

    “I’m familiar with all social media platforms,” Kate replied. “I blog, too. Have you heard of a blog called ‘The tedious life of an office girl?’ That’s me.”

    “Really? I’m one of your followers. So, that smart, funny blog writer, is you?” Jill was amazed.

    Kate nodded.

  • Gary Numan Gig Review

    Graham Townsend

    Gary Numan is, in my opinion, an iconic artist who was always on my list of people to see. Friday 14th November 2025 threw up the perfect opportunity for me to achieve this when he performed at the O2 Academy in Leeds.

    The tour had been billed as the 45th anniversary of his revered “Telekon” album and it was announced that he would be playing the majority, if not all of the tracks on that the album. This promise was fulfilled and it seemed to delight the capacity audience.

    The atmosphere was great and Numan himself seemed to revel in this. His daughter Raven was the support act and I have to say I quite enjoyed her material which, wasn’t too dissimilar to that of her father.

    Some casual fans might be disappointed that he didn’t perform two of his most well-known songs in “Cars” and “Are Friends Electric?” however the Numanoids will have been delighted with the tracks they did hear.

    I had to familiarise myself with some tracks pre-gig however, I found that I enjoyed the majority of them on the night. Many people will be familiar with “This Wreckage”, the set opener, plus “I Die, You Die” and “We Are Glass” which were played back-to-back prior to the encore.

    Talking of the encore, Numan went back to the very beginning and treated us to four Tubeway Army songs. My favourite of these was the first one “My Shadow in Vain”.

    I was unsure, prior to the gig, how good Gary’s voice would be at the age of 67 however, I had no reason for concern as his vocal skills don’t seem to have diminished very much, if at all, over the last forty-five years or so! One other thing I noticed was that his energy levels didn’t drop throughout his performance. He bounced around and contorted his body in ways I could never imagine being able to do!

    Numan isn’t a big talker. He communicated more with gestures than actual words. He did interact with the audience when he felt it was appropriate and in the lead up to “Like A B-Film” he described it as a song he thought was “shit at the time” referring to when it was written, circa 1980. It has now been included as a bonus track on the 2025 re-release of the album. For what it’s worth, I really enjoyed it on first hearing.

    Overall, it was a very entertaining night and I have already booked to see him again in 2026 at the Piece Hall here in Halifax. I would expect that show to include the aforementioned big hits that were omitted in Leeds. I also should be able to avoid the travel chaos I experienced due to the inclement weather which disrupted my journey to the venue.

    I would give this gig a rating of four stars (out of five). One sad footnote to this event was the tragic passing of Numan’s brother after attending the gig himself. RIP John.

Short Story 3 (Offset = 2)

  • FTHM Fun Quiz – APRIL 2026

    Questions

    (1) Where was Adolf Hitler born?

    (2) What is the French word for toy?

    (3) Which place has the most rainfall per year?

    (4) Who was the first French president?

    (5) On what was the guillotine based upon?

    (6) Where was the titanic ship built?

    (7) What is the capital of the Faroe Islands?

    (8) Where do Fulham FC play their home games?

    (9) Who first developed butter?

    (10) Which country produces the most wool in the world?

    (11) Where was Nelson Mandela born?

    (12) What is the rarest type of cattle?

    (13) What is the currency of Switzerland?

    (14) Who played Jimmy Corkhill in the soap Brookside?

    (15) Who invented American football?

    (16) How do you say To Be in Love in German?

    (17) What is the chemical symbol for iron?

    (18) Who is first thought to have prisons?

    (19) Who first wore bow ties?

    (20) Who first grew what we now know as Bonsai trees?

    Answers: (1) Braunau am Inn, Austria (2) Jouet (3) Mawsynram, in north eastern India (4) Louis-Napoleon Bonaparte, in 1848 (5) Device based on English Halifax Gibbet (6) Belfast (7) Torshavn (8) Craven Cottage (9) Probably accidentally discovered by ancient nomad people (10) China (11) Mvezo, South Africa (12) The vaynol/Panda cow (13) Swiss franc (14) Dean Sullivan (15) Walter Camp (16) Verliebt sein (17) Fe (18) Civilisations like Mesopotamia and Egypt (19) Evolved in France from the cravat (20) Art of growing dwarf trees in containers began around 700 AD, in China

Editor’s Final Word

Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to read this publication. You can get involved by contacting us at: dean@fthm.org.uk

Best wishes, Dean, Brenda, Graham and Hari.

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