Scorpio 24 Oct – 22 Nov
Love is a currency you possess little of, so, do socialise more and see if there is someone out there who can give you what you crave. You are such a gossip and will go to the town’s end to broadcast your tittle-tattle. Use your time better? A cup of magic tea may cause you to see a flying saucer hovering over your garden. You are nothing special, so, just accept it and live.
Sagittarius 23 Nov – 21 Dec
A very materialistic friend will have an epiphany this month and realise that love and relationships are more important than things. Someone with red spectacles will really make a show of themselves but don’t revel in their embarrassment. A lady called Elenor will reveal to you how lonely she is and it’s clear that she could really do with a bit of help. Be friendly.
Capricorn 22 Dec – 20 Jan
Stop sucking grass if you want to avoid having worms wriggling in your bottom. Maybe its time you had the balls to stop having children all of the time. Your nose may be big enough for a helicopter to land on, but you will be okay in life as you have loads of money. You may wake up with someone called George if you continue to be more careless about what you do.
Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb
It may be a good time to train to be a beautician as you know all about vanity, don’t you? You will experience lust at first sight, but do remember the lovely partner you’ve got at home. Someone may, in fact, call you frigid – but that is surely better than being a social refrigerator. You do spend a lot of time in cafes, but is that not better than being a drunken fool again?
Pisces 20 Feb – 20 Mar
Recently, you have been unpleasant to your family, so, why not change your mind and start to treat them with the respect they deserve? If something bad has happened to you, then remember that bad things sometimes lead to new, better things. Do stop wishing you were more like other people and accept that you can only really be yourself. Buy a new car?
Aries 21 Mar – 21 Apr
Someone may amaze you with their creativity but be aware that they may be useless at other things in life. A terrible financial blow will leave you devastated, but you will recover. A man in a yellow coat will puzzle you with his odd behaviour -but he’s only getting through life in his own way. Be careful what you say, as home-truths are often unwelcome and dangerous.
Taurus 21 Apr – 21 May
You may feel very good at the moment, but if you carelessly make hay while the sun shines you may reap many demands for maintenance in the future. A person whom you once thought was a fat pig, may catch your eye and lust will blind you from the truth about them. It is definitely time you accepted that you are not an island, and act accordingly. Work harder.
Gemini 22 May – 21 Jun
Life may have dealt you a poor hand, but if you put your cards on the table, a close friend will help you – if you let them. A younger person will show interest in you this week, but be realistic, and accept that it’s not your looks or personality they’re attracted to! It would be good to go on a mystery tour as this will bring a bit of magic into your life, and maybe love.
Cancer 22 Jun – 23 Jul
Today, you will have to talk yourself out of a difficult situation – that you have caused yourself. A large, unexpected amount of money may be coming your way. You may start to think that all religion is man-made and you can do what you want – if you are ready for the consequences. Put a broad smile on someone’s face whom you have recently been neglecting.
Leo 24 Jul – 23 Aug
You will have a close shave, and a brush with the law, but you will have to face the music whether you’re fine with it or not. Someone who is as minging as you are will ask you out next week, and you may go on to have some extremely minging children – but does it really matter as we are all just mongrels? There may be a need to delve into your savings soon.
Virgo 24 Aug – 23 Sep
A selfish man may gift you something precious, but has he got ulterior motives? Winter can be a drag, but just dress up warmly and carry on. A gay man may impress you with his positivity, so, follow his example. The boil on your arse needs lancing, so, stop chickening out of a visit to your doctors. A telephone call may change everything in your life.
Libra 24 Sep – 23 Oct
Maybe now is the time to go on holiday somewhere warm if you can afford it. Someone who talks a lot, but says very little, will get on your nerves today, but bite your tongue. Also resist pointing out all the holes in a holy man’s beliefs and realise we all need something to believe in. Start to be who you want to be as this life is too short to spend playing a false role.
