Socialus Expectatum – The Power of Social Expectation

Have you ever discovered that an apparently innocent sentence such as “I hope you don’t mind?” is not actually a question?

It looks like one. It sounds like one. However, do not be deceived.

This is Socialus Expectatum: an ancient spell given to a select few which bestows upon them the power to create the illusion of choice while simultaneously removing every socially acceptable option except agreement.

Problem: Teleporting into An Alternate Social Universe

You set the coordinates meticulously, calculate the trajectory to within one nanometre, and calibrate the “Social Group” number to 5 – the precise number confirmed less than 24 hours earlier.

Final checks complete. Timer set to three seconds. Teleportation begins.

You materialise at the designated meeting point. Five familiar faces detected. Relief washes over you as you assure yourself that you made it in one piece.

Suddenly, internal sirens blare. ALIEN LIFE FORM DETECTED. Your Mind’s Eye Warning Monitor flashes up Admiral Ackbar shouting, “It’s a trap!” There is an unexpected sixth face.

You realise you’re in unfamiliar territory, your shields have been jammed, and all automatic social-support systems immediately go offline. The Social Small-Talk Protocol crashes. You feel your face contort into what you hope is a smile and not “strained hostage smile.”

Your friends introduce Grace, apparently a new bowling-team friend of Mike’s. Grace smiles and says “I hope you don’t mind me tagging along?”, followed by some quieter words, which seem inaudible to everyone else, but is a magic phrase which you recognise: “Socialus Expectatum”.

This ancient spell immediately obliges you to agree and say: “No, of course I don’t mind! It’s not as if I have some world-ending, internal-system malfunction-inducing, phobia about an unexpected person joining the group of the people I actually expected now, is it?”.

And thus, the Social Contract has been activated.

So, having survived the interrogation disco, foot-crushing bowling shoes and lane-seven incident documented in The Social Hangover, you now face an even greater danger: the unexpected variable.

If you’ve ever had this spell put upon you, and had many a ruined occasion because of it, then you may be pleased to know there are battle-tested solutions which work to release you from the harmful effects, but it requires patience, practice, and a deep-dive into the ancient magic of Social Expectation.

Solution 1: Revise the Social Highway Code

Before attempting further social contact, revise for the Social Theory Test. Unlike the driving theory test, there are not 50 multiple-choice questions. Nobody knows how many questions there are.

Every person has their own Highway Code, much of which has never been written down, and can only be observed or inferred after many years of studying the person. Groups may also operate “Limited Edition Group Codes” which appear without warning and override previous rules.

Each question has an infinite permutation of possible answers, which must be delivered in the correct order, with the correct facial expression, tone and time interval.

Answer too quickly: suspicious.

Answer too slowly: awkward.

Answer Honestly: potentially catastrophic.

Feedback may consist entirely of someone saying, “You were a bit… you know,” followed by a facial expression requiring expert analysis and preservation for future scientists with technology advanced enough to decipher it.

You may or may not be told whether you passed.

Solution 2: Practise Your Counter-Charms

Fortunately, Socialus Expectatum can be resisted.

Counter-Charm A: Advanced Mind-Reading

Place two fingers against your temple.

“Good lady! Why would I mind? I am a professional Mind-Reader. I already knew you were coming. In fact, not only did I know you were coming, but I also know that…”

Pause and stare into the middle distance. Gasp and pretend to faint.

Upon regaining consciousness, refuse to explain anything.

Counter-Charm B: The Double-Bluff Buff

Temporarily answer the actual question.

“Yes, I do mind you tagging along. Would you mind leaving us to enjoy the day we planned without you.”

Observe faces.

If everyone looks shocked, immediately laugh.

“Just kidding! Of course I don’t mind. The more the merrier!”

You have now expressed your genuine preference, obeyed the Social Contract, and created enough confusion that nobody is certain what happened.

Counter-Charm C: Emergency Apparition

Shout “APPARATE!”, deploy the emergency smoke bomb carried specifically for unforeseen social alterations, and run.

Do not look back.

Solution 3: Engage Emergency Transcendental Meditation Protocol #42

Sometimes escape is impossible and Protocol #42 must be activated.

You are no longer a participant. You are a documentary observer asking yourself:

“What would Louis Theroux do in my shoes?”

Suddenly Grace is not an unexpected stranger threatening the delicate group equilibrium. She is a fascinating subject participating in an obscure social ritual.

You observe carefully. Notice how everyone instinctively knows when to speak. Marvel at how subjects interrupt one another without causing diplomatic incidents. Note how “We should definitely do this again” may mean anything from “I genuinely wish to repeat this” to “Goodbye forever.”

Respond pleasantly. Nod thoughtfully. Ask gentle questions. Deploy the nose-bridge eye-contact technique previously field-tested during encounters with The Professional Idiot.

If sensory overload begins, remember the teachings of Zen and the Art of Meltdown and locate the nearest low-stimulation refuge before your nervous system attempts spontaneous dematerialisation.

Alternatively, channel your inner Trappist Monk, adopting a serene face, immediately vow of silence, and occasional minimal nodding.

Later, in the sanctity of home, commence the traditional self-flagellation ceremony by replaying every interaction and asking why Future You volunteered you for tasks Present You would fake an alien abduction to escape.

Final Guidance: Defence Against the Dark Arts

With practice, you learn that social expectations are powerful because they are often invisible.

The pressure is not always somebody forcing you. Sometimes it is simply knowing the expected answer before you have worked out your real one.

Sometimes you will still say yes. Other times you will freeze.

Occasionally, but not infrequently you will invoke your right to remain silent before returning home and conducting a six-hour disciplinary hearing against yourself.

But we are pleased to say: you have now qualified in Defence Against the Dark Arts of Social Expectation. Your certificate is in the post, along with your provisional appointment as reserve supply teacher at Hogwarts, proving wrong all those naysayers who stood at the gates of social competence shouting: “You shall not pass!”

Next Month we shall be discussing “Multiverse-Masking and the Ashcroft Effect“, which provides the leading theory on how an individual presently in this universe can be a million different people from one day to the next.