FTHM Edition 136 – April 2026

Hello. Thank you for taking a look at this well-established e-magazine and I hope you enjoy the experience. Anyone can contribute to this publication in a non-sexist, non-racist or non-homophobic way by contacting us at: dean@fthm.org.uk

Our website address is: www.fromthehorsesmouth.org.uk Best wishes, Dean Charlton.


  • My Not Very Serious Stars – April 2026

    Scorpio 24 Oct – 22 Nov
    Life may sometimes seem pointless and absurd, but this month something fantastic will happen and distract you in a nice way, leaving you very optimistic about the future. You are however, clearly deluded if you think you are extremely attractive to the opposite sex, when in reality, you are just a very ordinary person like most of us. Skin and cook a rabbit now!

    Sagittarius 23 Nov – 21 Dec
    This month, you will receive a welcome gift from someone you clearly misjudged. Window shopping may be all you can afford to do at the moment, but a nice black woman may give you the key to future financial success. You do tend to flit from one place to another but it’s time to put down some roots and make your mark in life. Consider a sex change if you dare.

    Capricorn 22 Dec – 20 Jan
    Now is a good time to visit a doctor if you want your problem investigating. Someone will shock you with their spiteful attitude and make you realise that you need to cut them out of your life. Inclement weather may persist, but you will feel good and capable of coping with whatever life throws at you. Stop being pig-headed and accept help from a Jewish friend.

    Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb
    Don’t destroy someone’s faith just because you think you can. You are often selfish and hedonistic and it’s time you began to give a little back to life. Maybe bake a fruit cake for someone who has been nice to you? Mobility may be a problem at the moment, but things will soon improve for you and you will soon be buzzing around again. Value people more.

    Pisces 20 Feb – 20 Mar
    Sometimes you will fail to flow and feel at a low ebb – just take one step at a time and you will be okay. You exploit your attractiveness too much and treat members of the opposite sex like fools. Stop this now. However, you also seem to be jealous of what others have – which is silly, as you already have more than you need. Train for a half marathon if you’re up to it.

    Aries 21 Mar – 20 Apr
    We’re all very fragile, but you need to toughen up if you are ever to stand out from the crowd. Even though you are also as ugly as sin, it might be a good idea to become a beauty influencer for people just like you. However, someone will get under your skin this week and you won’t be able to stop thinking about them. Remember forbidden fruit is not always tasty.

    Taurus 21 Apr – 21 May
    You may not be very good with technology, but you know all that you need to know in life. It is now time to cease to be so volatile and be calmer with the ones you love. Grey hairs are not too far in the future for you, so, start to act in a more mature fashion. Take one for the team if you need to, as there are people who depend on you to look after all their interests. Smile.

    Gemini 22 May – 21 Jun
    A new chapter of your life will soon open and opportunities will come that you had not anticipated. It’s time you started to put yourself first instead of always waiting at the back of the queue. Maybe make some homebrew if you have learnt how to be more moderate. Don’t be tempted to steal some of your neighbour’s chickens as this could mean egg on your face.

    Cancer 22 Jun – 23 Jul
    A strange person will appear and turn you on. Stop looking down on people who are less intelligent than you as they may have different qualities to you. You are also too much of a drama queen and need to stop seeking attention. It’s time to realise that you have more chance of riding a unicorn than being extremely wealthy, so, enjoy your own unique ride.

    Leo 24 Jul – 23 Aug
    Maybe now is the time to develop your individuality and be less of a dull moron. A good time to purchase a new car, but remember its primary function is just to get you from A to B. Now that the planets are in your favour, you could buy some fish fingers for your lovely children. You would stand out more if you volunteered to play the main role sometimes. Be Brave.

    Virgo 24 Aug – 23 Sep
    A kindly Jehovah’s witness will help you this week by giving you some useful spiritual tips. Consider who you have been hanging out with – are you all really birds of a feather? You have a tendency to alienate other humans when you let your big ego influence your behaviour. It’s clearly time to be humble before you drive all the decent people away.

    Libra 24 Sep – 23 Oct
    You watch far too much telly, but that’s your business and we all can do what makes us happy. Assert yourself! A trip to the dentist may, however, be advisable if you are to avoid a lot of pain in the future. In the near future, a mystery woman may come into your life and influence how you think. Someone will leave you a lot of much-needed money. Dance.


  • June’s World – April 2026

    Hello again. It’s an awful day so, I thought now that I’ve done my housework, I’d do an article that I know Dean always needs.

    Won’t it be lovely when the weather gets warmer and we can sit out again and have picnics in the garden or around the river; we like to watch the boats passing on their way to Castleford and other places. We do love to eat our picnic and talk to other people who are out walking their dogs, most people are very friendly and stop to talk to us. The people on the boats aways wave to us which is very nice. It’s true that when the sun is shining it brings everyone out!

    When I was a very young girl, I used to like to go down Cinder Lane which was opposite to where I lived. I was allowed to go on my own as it was less than a quarter of a mile from my home. There, I could sit and watch the boats go by. But my mother decided that it would be better if someone accompanied me as she started to feel uneasy about me going on my own.

    Anyway, when I was 12 or 13 years of age, I used to go to Three Lane Ends High School and met a couple of girls with whom I played rounders, and also netball which I excelled at and thoroughly enjoyed. During school holidays, I used to go and watch bands playing in Queen’s Park with a couple of other girls. The park is situated in Castleford, not far from where I lived in the Potteries. Some days, we played at the back of the houses, and when we heard the ice cream van, we would rush to get one – my favourite ice cream was called Hokey Pokey which was wrapped up in white paper. Other ice creams had cornets or wafers. Unfortunately, my mam didn’t always have money to pay for it and so, put it on a slate. The ice cream man trusted my mother as she always paid, as she said she would, when she had some money.

    I broke off writing this article as we decided to go to a place called Lumby (a garden centare) and we went to a large room there where you can buy Jacket Potatoes, burgers and chips etc. I’m having a break from cooking at home as my grandson is having a leaving meal this evening, in Kippax, as he is going to live in Australia. However, we haven’t seen him a lot recently, as he works very hard. The place he works for has given him a glowing reference and he’ll start work in Australia for the same company very soon.


  • Gig Review – Kaiser Chiefs

    On Friday 13th February, 2026, I paid my first visit to Bradford Live, on the site of the former Odeon cinema in the City of Bradford, to see Kaiser Chiefs.

    It was the second occasion seeing them perform live having attended one of their previous gigs in Manchester in 2008. This tour was to mark the twentieth anniversary of the release of their “Employment” album and was given the name “More Employment”.

    I met my friends Chris and Lesley before the gig in a local establishment. It was also Chris who accompanied me to the aforementioned event in 2008.

    Support on the evening was provided by the Manchester based pop-rock band Corella. I had not heard of them prior to the event however, I was quite impressed with them and will be seeking out more of their material to discover how good they actually are.

    Because this tour was based around their debut album, the Chiefs chose to start the show by playing it in full, in track order. This meant that the show opened with “Every day I Love You Less and Less” followed by “I Predict a Riot” often seen as their signature song. I didn’t mind this as they have plenty of other hit songs however, those less familiar with their back catalogue may have been disappointed that these were played so early in the piece. In my opinion a gig should build to a crescendo. Thankfully they closed the show with “The Angry Mob” which I feel is a suitable way to end any Kaiser Chiefs concert. When you factor in that they also played the storming “Ruby” third to last and prior to that, fan favourite, “Hole in My Soul” many people’s fears were probably allayed.

    Most of the best songs on “Employment” appear early on the album. As well as the tracks I have already mentioned, we got “Modern Way” third followed by “Na Na Na Na Naa”. Throw in “Oh My God” sixth and, one of my personal highlights, “Born to Be a Dancer” next and all was well with the world!

    After they had finished playing the thirteen tracks from the album, they took brief respite before starting the eight-song encore with an interesting cover of the Ramones track “Blitzkrieg Bop”. Because of the Chiefs style of music this fit in well in my opinion.

    They followed this up with the rousing “Never Miss a Beat” and they even had time to fit in a “Happy Birthday” to their guitar technician Shippo.

    Lead vocalist Ricky Wilson is a charismatic frontman and his energy always seems to add a little something to a live show. The band as a whole don’t seem to have lost any of their enthusiasm for touring and it showed on this occasion.

    On a separate note, the venue is fantastic and will be a great addition to the music scene in the North of England. I would certainly recommend a visit should an act you like appear there.

    I give the band a rating of four out of five stars for the gig and also recommend going to see them if you like their music, you won’t be disappointed, I’m sure.


  • Brenda’s Wildlife Corner – April 2026

    Bobcat

    The bobcat is thought to have evolved from the Eurasian lynx and is found in North America, Canada and Mexico. Its population is largely stable but it is hunted by humans for its fur and sport. Although an adult bobcat has few natural predators (cougars and wolves), it is known to have been taken by American alligators and golden eagles. Unfortunately, it’s not the same story for the its kittens whose predators are numerous e.g. foxes, bears, eagles and even other male bobcats.

    A bobcat is aesthetically attractive with brown and black streaks on its body and dark lines on its forelegs and short tail; it has a nice face with yellow eyes which widen nocturnally to increase light reception, and thus, vision. A male can measure up to 50 inches in length (including the tail) and can weigh up to 40 lbs – though the average is 21 lb. It stands at 12 to 24 inches at the shoulder. The female is considerably smaller and weighs, on average, 15 lbs.

    As a predator, the bobcat is quite effective preferring prey like hares, rabbits, insects, chicken geese, small rodents, birds, and if really necessary, larger prey like deer. Its choice of habitat is largely influenced by the location of its prey and seasonal abundance of it. It therefore, inhabits: wooded area, semideserts, forest, swampland and even urban areas.

    The animal is usually solitary and marks its territory with claw marks, deposits of faeces and urine. It can go a long time without food, and in rare cases, individuals have been known to succumb to starvation. However, in normal situations a bobcat lives about 7 years in the wild, although one kept in captivity lived until 32 years of age.

    A pair of bobcats come together to mate from winter to spring (they are not exclusive to each other), and if successful, 2 to 4 kittens are born 60 – 70 days later. Occasionally, the female produces a second litter in September of the same year. The young are born in a den and are weaned after a couple of months, usually hunting by themselves in the autumn of their birth. An individual female can produce many litters in her lifetime.

    As ever, humans cause problems for other species through the creation of roads, urbanisation and hunting. We must surely do more to protect wonderful animals like the bobcat.

    * Ref Wikipedia


  • One Of Those Days!

    ‘Could you take my clients today, Zara?’ My colleague Amy asked me over the phone. I was in the kitchen, getting breakfast. I glanced outside to check the weather – low dark clouds had gathered.

    ‘I won’t be coming in. I’m ill – I’ve got a bad headache, a sore throat and I feel a bit feverish.’

    ‘It sounds like flu. Poor you. Of course I’ll take your clients.’ I knew that Amy would cover for me, if I was ill. Luckily, I’d had two cancellations via text.

    ‘I have Mrs Pickles at nine thirty and Julia Kemp at two,’ she went on.

    I gulped. ‘Right. Well, you take care of yourself. Stick the telly on, drink plenty and rest up. See you soon. Bye!’ I ended the call with a sense of dread. Most of our clients at our hairdressing salon, A Cut Above were lovely, apart from super-fussy sixty-something Mrs Pickles an astute, sleek businesswoman Julia Kemp. They were both extremely awkward and – blast! I’d run out of milk. That meant no tea for me this morning. I’d grab a drink from the refreshments van instead. It was stationed near our salon.

    There was an attractive, brown-eyed, trim, muscly, cheery guy around my own age (early forties) who worked there. He also had an unruly mop of dark brown hair that desperately needed the attention of a pair of scissors. His ID badge said James… I glanced at the clock. I needed to hurry, or I’d miss the bus!

    That’s exactly what happened. To make matters worse, it began to rain and in my haste to leave, I’d forgotten my umbrella!

    It didn’t look good for a hairdresser to arrive at work with locks like rat’s tails, but it couldn’t be helped! Panicking, I caught the next bus. As I was late, I swerved the tea from the van. Mrs Pickles, in a huge raincoat and big black wellies, was outside when I arrived.

    ‘Oh hello. I’ve been waiting ages, standing here in the rain. Where’s Amy?’ she demanded.

    ‘She’s ill, so I’m covering for her today,’ I explained.

    ‘Well, in that case, I’ll ring the salon later and make another appointment.’ She promptly stormed off, splashing through the puddles.

    I sighed. It was going to be one of those days…

    It was. Clients trailed water in, so I hauled the mop and bucket out, plus I put the yellow warning cones out. But naturally, one of our customers slipped… a glamorous young mum in high heels landed on her designer jean-clad bottom. I apologised but all she was bothered about was her hair, as she was going to an upmarket ‘ladies lunch’ event. Thank goodness our hairspray had excellent hold!

    Then Mrs Nichols brought her little Yorkshire terrier, Foxy, with her. She let Foxy wander about, where he sniffed about in corners, hoping to hoover up any stray biscuit crumbs. Then, to my dismay, Foxy piddled all over the floor – as if our floor wasn’t wet enough already! I grabbed the mop and bucket again…

    At one, I shut up shop and sped to the bakers. They’d run out of my favourite sarnie, so I had egg mayonnaise. I didn’t like egg mayo, but it would have to do. I was starving!

    At least it had stopped raining, I thought. So, I joined the queue at the drinks van, yet James wasn’t working. Oh, never mind! I had tonight to look forward to. My mate Cassie was popping round for a girly chill-out evening. We’d planned to order a takeaway (it would probably be a pizza to share) and watch a rom- com DVD.

    Then a text came in from Cassie: ‘Sorry Zara but I’m crying off tonight. Dan’s home.’

    Right…my heart sank. Dan was her on/off partner who worked away. He often turned up at her home unannounced and when that happened, Cassie dropped everything. Unfortunately, that included me. I guess I’d be the same if I was blissfully loved- up, I reasoned.

    ‘I’ve an important meeting at three thirty, so do your best, please,’ Julia Kemp crisply instructed.

    I didn’t warm to her sharp tone, yet I comforted myself that it was only a shampoo, trim and blow dry. When I’d finished, I whipped the cloak away and she admired herself in the mirror.

    ‘That’s lovely, Zara’, she said.

    I beamed. When she paid, she gave me a very generous tip. That was a nice surprise! As I swept up, I glanced in the mirror. Oh no… I was aghast. There was a prominent egg mayo stain on my top…

    Ten minutes later, I was taken aback when James strolled in. He made my pulse race!

    ‘Oh, hi. I didn’t know you were a hairdresser. Could you fit me in for a short back and sides?’

    Mrs Pickles had hambled away, plus I’d had two cancellations – that had freed my slots up. So yes, I could. I led him to a chair and tucked a gown around him.

    ‘Would you like a tea or coffee?’

    He grinned. ‘That’s usually my line, isn’t it er -?’

    I smiled. ‘Zara.’

    ‘I’m James. Yes, I’d like a tea. Milk and two sugars, please.’

    Good. That gave me an excuse to hasten away to the back. While I made his drink, I found a clean top. We keep extra clothes there in case any messy hair dye ends up on us.

    ‘You weren’t at the van today,’ I remarked.

    ‘It’s my day off.’

    I got cracking and at the cash desk, he lingered.

    ‘You’ve done a great job… look, I’ve liked you for ages but there’s no time to chat with long queues at the van. Would you like to meet for a drink at the weekend, Zara?’

    My spirit sang. A date! We swapped numbers on our mobiles.

    James was my last client.

    I locked up and caught the bus home, only to find Amy on my doorstep, with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers.

    ‘I feel so much better now. It must have been a touch of flu. These flowers are for you. Many thanks for covering for me.’

    ‘Lovely! Look, I’d planned a takeaway and a DVD tonight. Why not join me?’

    ‘Sounds fab. You can tell me all about your day.’

    I smiled wryly. It had certainly been an eventful one!


  • Townsend’s Quiz Time – April 2026

    Questions

    (1) Which actor, known for his roles in films such as “The Godfather” and “Apocalypse Now”, died at the age of 95 in February 2026?

    (2) What is the collective noun for a group of rattlesnakes?

    (3) Which sport, prevalent in the USA, has spring training before the start of the season?

    (4) French tips can be applied to which part of the human body?

    (5) Who was author Roald Dahl’s main & most iconic book illustrator?

    (6) Fireflies are also known by which name?

    (7) What was the title of Taylor Swift’s first album?

    (8) In which year was Netflix founded?

    (9) What nationality was artist Vincent Van Gogh?

    (10) Which river flows through the Grand Canyon?

    (11) Which planet of the solar system is known as the Red Planet?

    (12) What holiday marks the end of the Christian season of Lent?

    (13) What is the second largest continent in the world?

    (14) Alutiiq is a language from which US state?

    (15) Who invented scissors?

    (16) The Blue Meanies were the enemies of the Beatles in which movie?

    (17) A gong belongs in which section of an orchestra?

    (18) How many points is a touchdown worth in American football?

    (19) What are male turkeys called?

    (20) What is the third book in the Bridget Jones series?

    Answers: (1) Robert Duvall (2) Rhumba (3) Baseball (4) Nails (fingers or toes) (5) Sir Quentin Blake (6) Lightning Bugs (7) Taylor Swift (8) 1997 (9) Dutch (10) Colorado River (11) Mars (12) Easter (13) Africa (14) Alaska (15) Leonardo Da Vinci (16) Yellow Submarine (17) Percussion (18) Six (19) Gobblers (20) Mad About the Boy


YOUNG AT HEART JUNE CHARLTON SHARES SOME MORE OLD RECIPES

  • Sage and Onion Stuffing

    Ingredients

    3 or 4 large onions

    Fresh sage leaves or dried sage

    4 oz of breadcrumbs

    1 oz of butter

    Salt and pepper

    1 egg

    Method

    1. Scald the onions in boiling water and chop them up as finely as possible.

    2. Chop the sage leaves finely and add them to the onions, breadcrumbs, butter, pepper and salt to taste.

    3. Mix well and add the eggs, well-beaten up to bind them all together.

  • Savoury Pudding

    Ingredients

    ¼ lb of fine oatmeal

    ¼ lb of stale bread

    ¼ lb of finely chopped suet

    1 large onion

    ½ teaspoon of salt

    1/8 teaspoon of pepper

    ¼ teaspoon of powdered sage

    1/8 teaspoon of mixed herbs

    2 eggs

    Method

    1. Soak the bread in hot water for ½ an hour, drain away unabsorbed liquid. Break out lumps with a fork.

    2. While the bread is soaking, boil the onions and salt for ½ an hour and chop them coarsely.

    3. Mix all the ingredients, adding the beaten eggs last.

    4. Melt some dripping in a pudding tin as it will form a very thin layer.

    5. Put the mixture in the tin and spread evenly.

    6. Bake for about 1 hour in a moderate oven.

    7 When done cut in to squares and serve with good strong gravy.

    Sufficient for 4 people.

  • Walnut Bread

    Ingredients

    1 lb of self-raising flour

    1 oz of lard

    4 oz of shelled walnuts

    1 egg

    1 teaspoon of salt

    3 oz of sugar

    3 oz of stoned raisins

    Half a pint of milk

    Method

    1. Mix the flour, salt and sugar in a basin. Rub in the lard.

    2. Chop the walnuts and raisins and mix with the flour.

    3. Beat the egg with half a pint of milk and mix into the dry ingredients, making a soft dough.

    4. Place in a well-greased round cake tin 7″ diameter and 3″ deep and smooth over the top with a knife.

    5. Bake in a moderate hot oven at 375 – 425 F/ gas mark 4-5 for 1 hour

  • Cherry Cake

    Ingredients

    8 oz of self-raising flour

    6 oz of cherries (cut into quarters)

    4 oz of sugar

    4 oz of margarine

    2 eggs, beaten with 4 tablespoons of milk and 12 drops of vanilla essence

    Method

    1. Mix the flour and cut the cherries.

    2. Beat sugar and margarine to a cream.

    3. Stir in beaten liquids and flour and mix thoroughly.

    4. Use a well-greased 6″ tin 3″ deep.

    5. Bake in a moderate oven 350 – 375 F/gas mark 3-4 for about an hour and a quarter.


  • Sea Of Happy Faces

    As the grey- haired female stranger signed for the parcel that I’d just delivered, I shivered. It was a cold, dark, evening. She was a lady of mature years, dressed in worn trousers, a baggy jumper and fluffy pink slippers.

    ‘Heck, lovey, you look chilled to the bone. Come in for a cuppa. I’ve a tray of ginger biscuits about to come out of the oven, and I need a taste tester.’

    Yet I hesitated. This was my last delivery, and although I appreciated the kind gesture, this client was a woman (living on her own?) and I was a much younger man. This stone cottage was isolated, in the middle of the countryside, so it was an awkward situation. But the lady seemed to read my mind.

    ‘You’re alright lovey, my hubby’s here with me,’ she explained.

    I smiled. ‘Go on then.’

    She opened the kitchen door and I stepped in. The warm aroma of home baking, a brown tabby cat curled up in a basket, a dining table and stripy coloured rugs scattered on the flagged floor gave the kitchen a homely, vintage feel.

    She indicated an armchair near the stove, scooped up pair of oven gloves, took a steaming tray out and laid it on a wire rack, placed on the worktop.

    ‘Take a seat, lovey. Now, these biscuits will be hot, so I’ll give it a minute or two before I serve them.’

    I peeled off my jacket and settled into a comfy armchair. Then I was given a warm cuppa and two biscuits on a plate.

    ‘This is very welcome. Thank you,’ I said.

    Yet I frowned. She reminded me of someone… only I couldn’t think who. As I tucked in, I reflected on this delivery. It was odd that the address on the parcel was correct, but there was no name provided for the householder – it was just to ‘The occupier’.

    Well, I mused, it wasn’t up to me to tell companies how to address their post.  I simply made sure it arrived safely.

    I’d set up my own local courier company three months ago, but I was seriously struggling.  

    I hadn’t attempted to compete with the big firms who normally dealt with online orders. I’d concentrated on regional companies who needed someone reliable to deliver properly – not simply throw the goods over a hedge, leave them out on the doorstep in all weathers, foist the parcels on unwilling neighbours or shove the ordered products in dirty dustbins and recycling containers. My clients appreciated a high level of service.

    Even so, sometimes, the days dragged and I only just managed to cover my monthly expenses.

    My fiancée Helen had a full- time admin job at the council, but she was kind enough to help me with the paperwork in the evenings – invoices, emails etc. However, a mate of mine, Barry, had recently got in touch. He’d mentioned that he needed a car mechanic at his garage. I knew the basics. It sounded great – the only snag is, he’d emigrated to Australia…

    Naturally, Helen wasn’t keen on the idea of leaving friends and family to live on the other side of the world.

    ‘Look, why don’t we compromise?’ I’d suggested. ‘We could give it six months out there, and if we don’t like it, we’ll come home.’

    ‘It doesn’t work like that. It’s an all or nothing thing, isn’t it, Tony? Even if we can stay there for six months, I’ll still have to resign. If we return, the council won’t give my job back to me when I tell them we made a mistake!’

    I sighed…the woman’s voice broke into my thoughts. ‘Could you help me take this in to my hubby?’

    She indicated a biscuit loaded plate and a mug of tea. I nodded. I picked up the mug while she took the plate.

    ‘He’s in the living room. He’ll appreciate some company.’ I followed her down the hall. The cat decided to join us.

    ‘We’ve got a visitor!’ she called out. ‘A courier. He’s just delivered my parcel, lovey. He looked like he could do with a break.’

    With the curtains shut, and very low lighting, their living room was quite gloomy, but I managed to find the coffee table and sofa.

    ‘I’m sorry it’s dark lovey, but my hubby’s got an eye condition. Bright lights hurt his eyes.’

    I smiled. ‘No problem.’

    I sat and faced an elderly, thin man. The moggy jumped onto his lap and settled itself. He stroked it fondly.

    ‘I’ll get started on the evening meal. It’s home-made meat and potato pie with peas, carrots, mash and gravy. Are you staying to eat with us?’ she asked.

    The meal sounded lovely.

    ‘Er -‘ Was I? Before I could answer, the lady left me with her husband.

    ‘It’ll be a book,’ he declared.

    ‘Sorry – what?’ His voice was gravelly with old age.

    ‘The parcel. A novel. She buys ’em online from that book shop in town. We don’t get out much, and we’re out of the way.’

    ‘Right.’ Helen was an avid reader, too.

    Suddenly, I was stuck for words.

    ‘The scenery must be nice around here,’ I stuttered.  The sat nav in my van had led me down a rural lane, surrounded by fields.

    ‘We take the grandchildren on walks.’ He waved a hand towards a collection of framed photos arranged on a shelving unit.

    It was a sea of happy faces. Children, grandchildren, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews and cousins… then it struck me that this was a perfect opportunity to ask for help with my problem.

    Here was a man of many years with decades of marriage, family and life experience behind him.

    ‘Do you mind if I ask your advice about something?’

    ‘Eh?’ He was almost asleep. I felt bad about disturbing him, yet I was desperate. I needed to find a solution.

    ‘I need some advice.’

    ‘About what?’ he barked.

    I outlined my situation. He listened, and then studied me carefully.

    ‘Do you love her?’

    ‘Of course I do, but -‘

    ‘There’s your answer.’

    I chuckled. His manner was similar to my late grandad’s, who was famous for getting straight to the point.

    His wife returned, and I took this as my cue to leave. I thanked them for their hospitality (I politely refused the offer a meal) started the van and headed towards the main road.

    When I arrived home, over our own evening meal, Helen turned to me.

    ‘Look Tony, I’ve been thinking. If you really want to go to Australia, let’s give it a try.’

    My heart ought to have soared, yet strangely, it didn’t.

    ‘You’re only saying that to please me,’ I said.

    ‘Maybe I am. I’m fed- up of going round in circles.’

    I thought about the couple I’d visited. They’d seemed so content. I remembered the family photos… the chap had told me that love was the answer. In an instant, I suddenly knew what I had to do.

    ‘We’re not going to Australia,’ I announced.

    Helen looked up. ‘Do you mean that?’

    I nodded and took her hand. ‘Yes.’

    The man’s advice was spot on – within six months of my decision, Barry went bust and was forced to return home to the UK. He works for me now.

    The day after I met that couple, I jumped on to social media and I began promoting my service. Word quickly spread about how reliable I was. Even though we’ve stayed fairly local, we’ve branched out and now we can boast a regular client list.

    Later, Helen and I married. No kids yet (But we do have a cat). Well, there’s plenty of time…

    We liked to spend our weekends going out for drives in the country.

    One warm sunny Sunday, I realised that we’d found ourselves in the area where I’d visited the elderly couple. I’d already told Helen about them.

    ‘I’d like drop in and thank the chap for his advice,’ I said.

    ‘Yes. If it wasn’t for him, we could have made a big mistake,’ she added.

    I found the lane and parked up.

    ‘What a gorgeous cottage!’ Helen remarked. ‘The countryside here is so beautiful. Do you know, Tony, I’d love to live here one day.’

    We rang the doorbell and a middle- aged woman answered.

    ‘Oh hello,’ I began. ‘We’re looking for a senior citizen couple. This was their address.’

    ‘Have you a name?’

    I recalled that we hadn’t actually introduced ourselves. There’d been no name on their parcel, either.

    ‘No.’

    ‘I’m sorry, I can’t help you.’ The door was gently closed in our faces.

    Helen sighed. ‘That’s that then!’

    I shivered. It was as if a sixth sense had kicked in… I suddenly felt very cold and sick.

    The woman had reminded me of someone. I now realised who it was.

    It was Helen. My spine tingled. Had that kind woman really been a future Helen?

    Well, if she was Helen… I gulped.  The man must have been me…


  • What Next For England Men’s Cricket Team?

    After a less than inspiring Ashes series against Australia, followed by a somewhat better showing in the limited overs matches that followed in Sri Lanka, England did manage to reach the semi-finals of the World T20 Championship in February 2026.

    The questions to be answered here are, is the team underachieving based on the talent available to them? are they prioritising the formats of the game that suit the players currently involved with the national team set-up? does the style of play allow the team to perform to its maximum capability? and do we have the correct people involved behind the scenes? We will take a look at all those aspects in this article.

    Starting with the first question, England have some very talented individuals playing for them. Joe Root is one of the all-time greats of the game. He was one of the few highlights from an at times soul destroying Ashes series. Jofra Archer is a phenomenal bowling talent and he also showed that the injuries he has suffered over the past few years have not damaged his career as much as was feared at one stage. Jacob Bethell has shown what a promising player he is, across all formats of the game and Will Jacks has shown what a handy man he is to have around, especially in the fifty over and twenty over formats. Harry Brook and Ben Stokes have already shown what they are capable of and their undeniable ability means that England should always be in with a chance of winning any match when they are playing.

    Unfortunately for Brook, who is captain of the limited overs teams, he was involved in an incident away from the field in New Zealand at the start of November 2025 which has somewhat tarnished his reputation and potentially impacted his subsequent performances which, other than a couple of good innings, have been subpar.

    Moving on, are England prioritising the correct formats of the game? Many factors come into play here. These include finances and popularity amongst fans as well as the actual abilities of the players. Many traditionalists, myself included, prefer test cricket and this is the format that many of us want to see our national team thrive in over the other formats. I’ve already mentioned the ability of the players but, and this brings up the issue of playing style, are they capable of adapting the way they play to the circumstances that arise during a match. This latter comment is not just relevant to test cricket but all formats.

    It seems that we lack a Plan B in certain situations. My opinion is that “bazball”, as it has been referred to by the media, is great to watch however, it is not always the most pragmatic way to approach the challenges they face. This seems to be particularly prevalent when they face the top nations such as India and Australia. Its weaknesses seem to have been exposed time after time in recent months.

    This leads us to the final question; do we have the right people involved behind the scenes. I saw an interview with Brendon McCullum after the conclusion of the T20 World Championship where he faced heavy scrutiny from the media. He said that he felt he could still be successful in his role as Head Coach but needed some time away from the job now to relax and enjoy other aspects of his life whilst reflecting on the performances in New Zealand, Australia, Sri Lanka and India.

    His team, in my opinion, mirrors the way he played the game as an aggressive opening batsman. Whether this limits the ability of the England team to achieve what I, and many others, feel they should be capable of is, at best, open to conjecture. I’m not convinced that we need to totally move away from the style of play we currently see however, I do feel some adjustments are needed if we are to compete on a level playing field with the other top nations.

    Time will tell whether the ECB ultimately decide that they say thank you to McCullum for his efforts and look for an alternative coach before the Ashes return to these shores in 2027.


  • Adventures of a Man Sitting Down #37 – April 2026

    This month I have been mainly trying to sell copies of my last book Cakes on a Train. The reason for this? I want to be able to publish my next book, Die Harf.

    If you want a copy of Cakes on a Train, drop me a line at aimfables@proton.me or krishna_francis@hotmail.com

    In case you’re wondering what the next book will be like here’s an extract.

    Sitting Ducts

    This was not good. Mia found herself trapped in the tube of an air-conditioning system. It was dark, the air was clammy and there was a German boy lying on her legs.

    “Hans?” “Mia?” “What are we supposed to do now?”

    “I do not know.” Hans thought about this. “Sorry.”

    “No. That’s fine.”

    Mia was strangely calm. “I don’t suppose we’re in immediate danger.”

    For a moment neither of them did anything.

    “Could you get off my legs please?”

    “Oh!” Hans hadn’t considered how uncomfortable this must be for his tunnel mate.

    “I’m sorry. I was just trying not to get us noticed by moving.”

    While Hans repositioned himself so that Mia could move her legs, a thought occurred to Mia. She felt in her clothes and produced her phone. She turned on the torchlight. The bright beam illuminated their immediate surrounds. They weren’t very exciting. Ahead of her a metallic tube stretched into the visible distance. The torch light didn’t reach far enough to illuminate any visible features. If there was a bend or a sudden drop, they lay in the dimness beyond.

    “Oh dear.” Hans stated from behind.

    “Indeed.” Mia agreed. “Well, we can’t go back and staying here feels stupid.”

    With this she began crawling along the tunnel.

    “Maybe you could crawl a bit faster.” Hans whispered to Mia. “I keep getting your feet in my face.”

    “Crawl slower!” Mia hissed back at him.

    Before long they reached a junction. Another pipe intersected the one they’d been crawling along. Mia saw an opportunity. She managed it so that she went a little further forward, then reversed round a corner. Hans, having taken her advice was far enough back that she was able to do this without interrupting his progress. As he came up to her, she said his name. This made him squeal.

    “You frightened me.”

    “You hid that well.” “Really?!”

    “No.” Mia put her phone torch on

    “My eyes!” Hans yelped.

    “You’ll be fine.” Mia was grateful Hans couldn’t see her blush. She hadn’t thought about him as she put the torch on. That felt a bit selfish.

    “Keep your eyes closed till the glow goes away.”

    “What is glow?”

    “Brightness. Colours. Shine.”

    “I think I understand.” Hans said, not sounding like he did.

    “I think they’re going away now.”

    While Hans adjusted to the situation Mia looked at their options. In all directions the tunnel stretched beyond the limit of the torch beam. She racked her brains to think of where the stairwell was in relation to other bits of the building. She remembered it was about fifty metres from the lift. In this darkness how could she know which direction to take? Who knew if there was even a tunnel that led to the lift. She turned off the torch to preserve the battery. In the darkness she heard Hans removing his hands from his eyes.

    “Perhaps we go along the pipe in one direction each?” Mia said, slowly, thinking as she did so.

    “When we get to a bend, we come back her and share information.”

    “That will take a long time.”

    “Oh, sorry.” Mia said softly. “I didn’t mean to mess up your schedule.”


  • FTHM Fun Quiz – APRIL 2026

    Questions

    (1) Where was Adolf Hitler born?

    (2) What is the French word for toy?

    (3) Which place has the most rainfall per year?

    (4) Who was the first French president?

    (5) On what was the guillotine based upon?

    (6) Where was the titanic ship built?

    (7) What is the capital of the Faroe Islands?

    (8) Where do Fulham FC play their home games?

    (9) Who first developed butter?

    (10) Which country produces the most wool in the world?

    (11) Where was Nelson Mandela born?

    (12) What is the rarest type of cattle?

    (13) What is the currency of Switzerland?

    (14) Who played Jimmy Corkhill in the soap Brookside?

    (15) Who invented American football?

    (16) How do you say To Be in Love in German?

    (17) What is the chemical symbol for iron?

    (18) Who is first thought to have prisons?

    (19) Who first wore bow ties?

    (20) Who first grew what we now know as Bonsai trees?

    Answers: (1) Braunau am Inn, Austria (2) Jouet (3) Mawsynram, in north eastern India (4) Louis-Napoleon Bonaparte, in 1848 (5) Device based on English Halifax Gibbet (6) Belfast (7) Torshavn (8) Craven Cottage (9) Probably accidentally discovered by ancient nomad people (10) China (11) Mvezo, South Africa (12) The vaynol/Panda cow (13) Swiss franc (14) Dean Sullivan (15) Walter Camp (16) Verliebt sein (17) Fe (18) Civilisations like Mesopotamia and Egypt (19) Evolved in France from the cravat (20) Art of growing dwarf trees in containers began around 700 AD, in China


Editor’s Final Word

Thank you for reading this e-magazine. You can get involved by contacting us at: dean@fthm.org.uk

Best wishes, Dean, Brenda, Graham and Hari.