Scorpio 24 Oct – 22 Nov
You are a coach potato when the chips are down, but stop acting cabbaged, and look for new projects. Happily, a diabetic lady will cheer you up with her sweetness and lovely personality. Time to show solidarity with a close friend whose marital union has ended. Life is a mixture of heartache and happiness, but pure joy is now close, so, enjoy the experience. Cut your long hair.
Sagittarius 23 Nov – 21 Dec
Now is the time to cherish yourself as you always seem to be putting yourself down. You worry about the wrinkles around your eyes even though all your senses still work. A voluptuous woman will try to short-change you in a shop, so, be careful. Try and educate the man, with the private education, about real life. Money is coming your way, so, act wisely.
Capricorn 22 Dec – 20 Jan
A friend whose mother tongue is not English, will need your help linguistically, and also, with a wild child. Trips to the casino may be your financial ruin. Stop acting like a turkey and adopt a boy called Mathew or Bernard. You may feel like an antique in the modern world, but remember that many a good tune is played on an old fiddle – but that no one can fiddle time.
Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb
Drink a Screwdriver and nail a long-time ambition. A little imbecile will try and humiliate you this week but just give him a wide berth. Love can make or break a person, but happily, reciprocated love is heading your way and your life will be transformed. A good time to try and stop biting your nails, but if you fail, then psyche yourself up and try again. Smile.
Pisces 20 Feb – 20 Mar
A trip to Pontefract to learn about liquorice would be a good idea. Even though you are goodlooking, your personality remains crap, so, take a long, hard look at yourself. You will never lead a balanced life unless you address your extremism. Someone with an icy stare may unsettle you today, but ignore them. Buy a self-help book to help you overcome your phobia.
Aries 21 Mar – 20 Apr
You are not the crème de la crème, so, act in a more grounded way. You were once accused of being a fly-by-night but they never realised just how much your options were limited. Try again. Your ‘people’ do not possess what you need and you must look elsewhere. A soldier will impress you with their extreme kindness and willingness to defend a vulnerable person.
Taurus 21 Apr – 21 May
A lovely person will come into your life this week and the dopamine will flow. Enjoy every moment of this experience. A good time to shave off all your body hair and dance around the lounge naked. If dandruff is still a problem, decapitate yourself – it won’t matter as you often act like a headless chicken. Also sew some sequins on your dress before you go to church.
Gemini 22 May – 21 Jun
Don’t believe that fortune cookie as you are about to go through an extremely pleasurable purple patch of warmth and love. Your fertility may be in question, but time will show that you are not the problem. It is time you appreciated what you have and not what you lack. If you need some exercise, maybe acquire a dog and take it for regular walks. Help a friend.
Cancer 22 Jun – 23 Jul
Do stop pretending that you are something you’re not. Adopt the attitude that people can take you or leave you. You have love and that’s what matters and you are basically a nice and intelligent person. Stop craving celebrity as it is not what it seems – it is shallow. You may soon find yourself in a sticky situation though, but carefully navigate your way through it.
Leo 24 Jul – 23 Aug
A magical time awaits you just around the corner. You do need to make changes to your life if you’re to progress though. It might be good to go with some friends to a nice restaurant if you have something to celebrate. You may lose a valued possession but at least you’ve still got your health. An alcoholic may amaze you with their artwork. Eat liver and onions for tea?
Virgo 24 Aug – 23 Sep
Cleanliness is next to godliness even if you’re an atheist, so, do something about your personal hygiene if you want people to like you. Marriage is a distinct possibility if you clean up your act. This month, someone who perceives their problems as insurmountable, will turn to you for help and you will need to step up to the plate. Time to eat more milk chocolate.
Libra 24 Sep – 23 Oct
A spot of ballroom dancing will put the spring back in your step. You will have to decide how you react to the woman with the good body and bad attitude. Some money you’ve been waiting for will materialise and make your life much easier. It is a good time to search for a genuine Cornish Pasty. Perhaps now is also the time to invest some money into a new project.