Scorpio 24 Oct – 22 Nov
Life may sometimes seem pointless and absurd, but this month something fantastic will happen and distract you in a nice way, leaving you very optimistic about the future. You are however, clearly deluded if you think you are extremely attractive to the opposite sex, when in reality, you are just a very ordinary person like most of us. Skin and cook a rabbit now!
Sagittarius 23 Nov – 21 Dec
This month, you will receive a welcome gift from someone you clearly misjudged. Window shopping may be all you can afford to do at the moment, but a nice black woman may give you the key to future financial success. You do tend to flit from one place to another but it’s time to put down some roots and make your mark in life. Consider a sex change if you dare.
Capricorn 22 Dec – 20 Jan
Now is a good time to visit a doctor if you want your problem investigating. Someone will shock you with their spiteful attitude and make you realise that you need to cut them out of your life. Inclement weather may persist, but you will feel good and capable of coping with whatever life throws at you. Stop being pig-headed and accept help from a Jewish friend.
Aquarius 21 Jan – 19 Feb
Don’t destroy someone’s faith just because you think you can. You are often selfish and hedonistic and it’s time you began to give a little back to life. Maybe bake a fruit cake for someone who has been nice to you? Mobility may be a problem at the moment, but things will soon improve for you and you will soon be buzzing around again. Value people more.
Pisces 20 Feb – 20 Mar
Sometimes you will fail to flow and feel at a low ebb – just take one step at a time and you will be okay. You exploit your attractiveness too much and treat members of the opposite sex like fools. Stop this now. However, you also seem to be jealous of what others have – which is silly, as you already have more than you need. Train for a half marathon if you’re up to it.
Aries 21 Mar – 20 Apr
We’re all very fragile, but you need to toughen up if you are ever to stand out from the crowd. Even though you are also as ugly as sin, it might be a good idea to become a beauty influencer for people just like you. However, someone will get under your skin this week and you won’t be able to stop thinking about them. Remember forbidden fruit is not always tasty.
Taurus 21 Apr – 21 May
You may not be very good with technology, but you know all that you need to know in life. It is now time to cease to be so volatile and be calmer with the ones you love. Grey hairs are not too far in the future for you, so, start to act in a more mature fashion. Take one for the team if you need to, as there are people who depend on you to look after all their interests. Smile.
Gemini 22 May – 21 Jun
A new chapter of your life will soon open and opportunities will come that you had not anticipated. It’s time you started to put yourself first instead of always waiting at the back of the queue. Maybe make some homebrew if you have learnt how to be more moderate. Don’t be tempted to steal some of your neighbour’s chickens as this could mean egg on your face.
Cancer 22 Jun – 23 Jul
A strange person will appear and turn you on. Stop looking down on people who are less intelligent than you as they may have different qualities to you. You are also too much of a drama queen and need to stop seeking attention. It’s time to realise that you have more chance of riding a unicorn than being extremely wealthy, so, enjoy your own unique ride.
Leo 24 Jul – 23 Aug
Maybe now is the time to develop your individuality and be less of a dull moron. A good time to purchase a new car, but remember its primary function is just to get you from A to B. Now that the planets are in your favour, you could buy some fish fingers for your lovely children. You would stand out more if you volunteered to play the main role sometimes. Be Brave.
Virgo 24 Aug – 23 Sep
A kindly Jehovah’s witness will help you this week by giving you some useful spiritual tips. Consider who you have been hanging out with – are you all really birds of a feather? You have a tendency to alienate other humans when you let your big ego influence your behaviour. It’s clearly time to be humble before you drive all the decent people away.
Libra 24 Sep – 23 Oct
You watch far too much telly, but that’s your business and we all can do what makes us happy. Assert yourself! A trip to the dentist may, however, be advisable if you are to avoid a lot of pain in the future. In the near future, a mystery woman may come into your life and influence how you think. Someone will leave you a lot of much-needed money. Dance.
